My Blog

Ok, again, I’m sick (thanks to my lovely roommie). I’m glad I’ve got no sore throat or anything. I just have a cough that I can’t cough and nose drool that I have to vigilantly prevent from tricking down my nose.

So I’ve got an 8 chapter exam tomorrow. I haven’t studied but I can do it. I’ll sleep like 3 am maybe. Then I  have to get up 8 am the next day. Bummer. And there’s no chance of sleeping in class coz it’s Calc 3 and I can’t miss anything. Also,  I sit in front  and it seems my teacher loves picking on me by always asking me what should be the next step to the solution. But after tomorrow I’ve got a 3 day break. yey!

Write now, I just want to say I love Naruto Shippuuden so much. I’m listening to Nico Touches the Walls , an indie jrock band.  I feel actually happy today despite  staying indoors most of the time.

I can’t understand why people who look so good end up with people who are less good-looking than themselves. I had a friend once and he was crazy over this girl who well, to me, was just some dark chick. (I’m not racist or anything.)I mean she wasn’t ugly but I wouldn’t date her even if I was a guy . But then, I tried looking at all her pics then  I was able to see her at different angles.And in that moment, I could see what he saw in her.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I even liked this guy before who had a lot of pimples but I didnt care. Maybe it’s God’s way of like balancing out things. If you look good, then you need a partner who looks bad. But how about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt? 

Okay so I really feel the essence of my leaving Phils. I passed the interview in the US embassy. Now, my mom wants me to apply for my transcript of record and an Honorable Dismissal.

I guess it would be a bit okay if instead of me leaving in November, I’d leave March or April next year. I mean that way, I could do a lot more things like: finsh my second year in college, spend my best friend’s and my birthday, go to that Sinulog parade which I havent ever gone to. But since things are like going fast forward, it makes leaving even worse..

I know that going there to the US is not really a bad thing. It was even my dream to go there when I was second year. It’s not like I’m gonna be shunned.Yes, there are racists there but the probability of me meeting them is very low.  My cousins survived, so why can’t I. It’s just that I’ll be alone and the leaving-behind-people part sucks…

They say that crying is a sign of weakness. Is it really? My ReEd teacher in high school told me that if you feel like crying you should just let it out. A person displays more strength in releasing his emotions through tears than in keeping these feelings concealed. I used to believe this. Now I really don’t . Tears you don’t shed means apathy. It means that you are in control of the stress and that you won’t allow it to affect you whatsoever. It means you know how to cope. 

Still, I think there’s something wrong with my tear-gland (if there is such a thing). I easily cry ( of course, not like a baby). Everytime a tear trickles down my face I realize how pathetic that is.  In truth, little things can set me off- make me break into tears. Like when people cry in front of me and I understand what they’re going through. Or when I watch movies with sad scenes (with good acting required).hehe. There are even times when people sing so beautifully I fucking cry. It’s funny thinking about it sometimes because I  find myself not really crying in the right places.

When people say hurtful things to me, I don’t cry. I get pissed, that sometimes I fantasize bludgeoning them into a bloody pulp or I find a quick retort. Or I just simply ignore them. But what would hurt most would be when the people you care for, disappoint you or they just simply don’t care at all.

Approximately, 180 days to next year. Time does run quickly. Yeah, only 300 + days to a year, I forgot. Maybe I should start counting down the days. Maybe I should throw away bad habits. And maybe I should detach myself from all old and new relationships  I have with people I’ve come to love. Afterall, it’s easier to leave what isn’t there, right? I’m not sure if next year’s going to be a happy one. But it’ll be a year that I’m bound not to forget.

If I could cry, I would…. Or maybe not.

It’s not like anyone’s going to read this. So I might as well not give a damn about how well-written this should be.

Today I am sick. My throat is sore and I feel cold yet the temperature of my surroundings really is hot. My knees are so weak that I just want to collapse or lie down on the pavement no matter how dirty it may be. Thank God I don’t have a fever. I couldn’t bare to be absent for a whole week . I’d miss so much in class and I might even get dropped.

Despite my crappy sickness today, I felt quite the contrary. Well, it was beacuse my "ultimate" crush talked to me and needed something from me. It just makes my heart flutter when someone you care about needs you. Yeah, I received good news that ,well, he’s over her (whoever it is that he likes) due to some realization. Also, that crush I have on someone who reminds me of the former, I was almost able to talk to him but I didn’t , not today. Too bad, I won’t get to see him tomorrow.

I know, it kind of is shallow and even childish to always be talking about my crushes left and right. The reason I do this, is because it reminds me of the times I had with my closest friend when we were practically stalking the guy we liked before. And it also keeps me young because I so don’t want to grow old. Yes, at some point I know this wacky behavior has got to stop but hey, I’m still seventeen and I’ve got a long way to go. At least I think I do. And if God kills me now or some time soon that would be totally unfair and I will really, really hate him!! hehe

Tomorrow, I’ll be going back to school.That escape from reality will finally be taken away from me. Now, I have to pack up my survival gear for the wilderness which is  home to beasts like peer pressure, brain-hemorrhage-inducing assignments, relentless teachers and stressful facts of life. Still, no matter how intimidating it may sound, I’m ready…at least I know I am.

A two-week vacation may have been a temporary flight from reality but it was also a journey of self-discovery and a path into realization. In that span of time, I was able to look at life from a different perspective,seeing things from a different angle. Instead of spending so much time on trivial things like crushes or gimmics, I came to understand that balance between my studies and things that are of less of importance, is a must in my life. It can’t be lopsided. It has to be well-rounded. I have to focus and prioritize something that will be helpful to me in the future not just at present.

I had a meaningful conversation with my best friend last Thursday. We came to the conclusion that we were sick not physically but in a way, mentally.The people we permit entrance into our world, that we so painstakingly built walls around, are either eccentric, weird, out-of-this-world, neurotic or even maybe mildly psychotic, just like ourselves. Whether it’s because of neglect from parents or because of child  abuse that caused us to undergo depressing phases, experience suicide attempts, have outbursts of rage, no matter how life got so fucked up, we were able to fight our way from out of the abyss and reach the light. We may have been irreparably damaged or still have scars that won’t heal, but these will just serve as evidences of how we survived a battle we fought and lived  though.